


Deep in December

by SociallyIneptDork



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avenger Loki (Marvel), Civil War Team Iron Man, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Loki/Tony Stark, FrostIron - Freeform, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Parent Tony Stark, Past Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Past Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark Friendship, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Protective Pepper Potts, Slow Burn, Thanos (Marvel) Dies, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 11:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15338472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SociallyIneptDork/pseuds/SociallyIneptDork
Summary: When Thor, Loki and Bruce come back from Sakaar, they find Tony hurt in more ways than one. Loki has some time to reflect.The Grandmaster had made him feel safe and secure in his own skin.And as he watches Tony leave the room with a murmured excuse about a new device that must be made, Loki wishes he could spread that bit of knowledge to the young scientist.





	Deep in December

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GypsyChild_CarpeDiem](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GypsyChild_CarpeDiem/gifts).



Man is a fragile creature.

Loki comes upon this fact when Thor maneuvers the ship to Midgard. Now free of mind control and soul wounds, he can see it clearly now, how utterly broken the young creatures are, how desperate, how terrified. Thor takes him to the tower, but it is empty save for a man in a smart suit who hesitantly points them in the way of a compound.

"Where are the Avengers?" Thor asks the man and the man winces.

The man runs his thick fingers through his hair. "There… aren't really any Avengers at the moment. They broke up. Half of them are fugitives. Tony's still trying to fix the consequences of what Rogers and his crew did, but-" He shrugs, shaking his head. "It's a mess right now. If you decide to go to the new compound, you should be mindful of that. This entire mess happened not even a month ago. Keep that in mind."

With that, the man turns and starts to shout at a machine. Thor looks at Bruce, who has devastation painted across his features, and then at Loki, who keeps his gaze on the empty lounge, filled with boxes and shattered glass.

Tony Stark is not so different from the empty tower when they find him, emotions shoved into boxes, wrapped too tight in tape to keep the contents from breaking free, his eyes shining like broken mirrors and dying stars. A smile plays on his lips as he greets them, giving Bruce a hug and Thor a friendly clap on the shoulder, before turning to give Loki a warm handshake.

"It's nice to see you're all alive and-" he waves vaguely at Loki's chest, "Apparently, not insane. Good. We could use all the help we can get now that everything's a complete shitstorm."

Loki entered the compound expecting a cell or a list of conditions for his stay, and instead, he receives a floor of his own and a technological device that Thor calls a laptop. There are no conditions to his stay, no rules to remind him that though the chains have broken the cuffs remain on his wrist to remind him of his place. The machine that controls the world, a lady "AI" by the name of Friday, answers to his requests politely, as if he is nothing but a guest in their abode, not a prisoner god with no kingdom to return to.

Loki doesn't understand it.

Except in a way, he does.

The Void had once haunted his dreams like ghosts that came to him at night and ripped him to shreds until he was a corpse, a gaping hole in his chest, vivid images of decay and agony painted across the front of his mind. Awake, he had found little solace either, wracked with episodic trembles, finding the air too thick to breathe no matter where he went. For there was to be no rest for Loki until the Mad Titan was dead and gone, yet as the days turned into months, he slowly learned that those days of torment under the Titan's hands were gone.

They _were_ over, however much his mind refused to believe it.

The Grandmaster had assured him of this, telling him that the Titan had perished after attempting to wield a weapon too strong for his soul to touch without burning.

So he slowly learned that he was no longer a prisoner, that if he said the name Thanos he won't be found and punished, that he's truly free now, however foreign the idea now is to him.

But when he meets Stark's eyes, he can see the echo of himself- the one filled with sorrow and the desperate urge to escape to the ends of the universe just to find peace for a few minutes- in the genius. Loki does not comment on the bags underneath Tony's eyes, nor the intermittent tremble of his hands, nor the way that Tony occasionally disappears suddenly and then comes back exhausted, chest rising and falling unsteadily.

And he wonders, _what horrors play behind your eyes? Who reduced you to a caricature of yourself as the real you screams and thrashes around the inside of your mind?_

_What memories haunt you?_

When Bruce tells him about the information that he found on the internet, Loki finally sees a clearer picture of the other man and the pieces of information click together.

\--

"Anthony," Loki greets as he enters the lab and Tony's eyes dart up to meet his, shoulders tensing. The tension in him relaxes when they see Loki, giving him a tired smile. Loki gives him a small smile in return. "I was sent here by my brother to invite you to dinner. You and me, and him and Banner."

Tony's eyes narrow for a second at Loki's words, waving a screwdriver vaguely in the air. "Dinner, huh?" He rakes his fingers through his stylishly unruly hair, nodding. "Alright. I guess I can afford to leave the lab for a little bit. What time?"

"6:15," Loki answers automatically before he stops, a lump forming in his stomach before he lets out a breath, letting the fist around his throat fade before he corrects himself. "I mean…7. 7 pm. You'll be there?"

Tony's eyes scan over him before he nods. "That's in, like, an hour. Yeah, I'll be there, no problem."

Loki nods, looking around the lab. There are papers scattered over the desks and tools and machine parts strewn over the worktables. The window on the right side of the room lets light filter in through the room naturally, casting a soft orange glow to the side of Tony's face. He looks at peace as he works, fingers working the wires with ease like he's done it all his life.

Something in Loki aches at the sight of him.

Tony notices Loki's gaze and looks up, smiles, then gestures Loki over. Loki walks over, taking a seat on the metal stool silently. "How does your magic work?"

"It's called seidr," Loki responds. This, he can talk about. This is easy. This isn't painful or hard. This is okay. They're okay. "It's something that someone is typically born with but it can be learned, with time. It's infused with the life force, but to lose seidr does not mean to die, only to be weakened greatly and become almost Midgardian. It can be used for many things, and with the right education, it can be one of the strongest tools a being can have. It can help someone master illusions, healing, battle magick, and they typically choose an element to master."

Tony hums, listening intently even though his eyes remain focused on the hologram in front of him. "How do you channel it?"

"Typically there's an object that helps," Loki says, "A staff or scepter or perhaps an object special to the person. I don't have anything at the moment. Scepters are too… tedious-"

Memories burn his chest, gnawing at him.

"-and I haven't been able to travel to Alfheim recently to have a staff or wand crafted. Why do you ask?"

Tony gives him a look, looking indecisive before he crosses his arms. "I was thinking of making you something to help you a bit. So, a staff. Scepters are off the table for a bunch of reasons and I don't have enough of a connection to you to make you a special item. Do you have any preferences or measurements for it that you'd like? How high do you want it? Is there a special material you'd like it made of? Wood or steel? Is there anything I should know?"

Loki frowns as he listens to the questions being fired his way, another question being thrown at him before he could answer the last. His mind spins from the speed the man speaks. "Staffs are usually made to be roughly the same height as the shoulder of the user, and typically made with an organic substance."

Tony scribbles something down on the actual table itself, nodding. "Alright, color?"

"Green."

"Any gems or jewels?"

"Obsidian," Loki answers him, taking one of the pens into his hands and fiddling with it absentmindedly.

Tony hums, looking surprised as he scribbles it down onto the table as well. "Any reason?"

"It's supposed to help people bring more light into the darkness and purifies the soul, not to mention the fact that it was, once, connected to me. It helps the believers I have left feel close to me."

Tony smirks at that. "Sounds romantic."

Loki huffs, smiling back at him. "How does this work?" Loki asks, picking up a strange metal device and observing it. Tony moves closer, taking the device into his own hand and smiling.

"This is a prototype for the newest StarkPhone," Tony explains, "you hold it like this. This puts all the information on the internet in your hands. An AI is already installed, all you have to say is "Jay"-"

"May I help you?" responds the robot that controlled the world, voice coming clear through the speakers. Loki smiles, surprise covering his face. These Midgardians and their technology are creative and brilliant- even _he_ could not deny that.

"-and it'll be ready to assist you. You can make phone calls, text your friends, download apps and games. You can do whatever you want with the StarkPhone." Tony lets out a sigh, eyes straying to the desk a few meters away, then meets Loki's again in a smile. "It's more advanced than any phone has ever been. This one isn't completely done yet though so it doesn't have all of the features yet. Once it's done I'll make sure that you have one. Can't have our local god of fire running around with a flip-phone, now can we?"

"A flip-phone?" Loki can sense something there, under the surface, simmering under Tony's veins. Tony's eyes do not meet his, focused on a spot on the wall behind Loki. "What is that?" _What has you so bothered, young mortal?_

Tony sighs, shaking his head. "A useless piece of tech that breaks faster than you can blink. A complete waste of money, trust me. It looks solid and trustworthy at first, but once it- Once you-" Tony slams his hand against the table, turning away, not caring for the tools that roll onto the floor or the paper that crumples under his hand. "Shit! Fuck, not again!" Then softer, voice filled with fear as he presses his palm against his chest, "I can't breathe."

But that isn't right.

Tony _is_ breathing. It's all he's doing, the air between them filled with gasps, short and ragged pants that sound loud in the silence of the lab. The fan overhead makes the moment painfully intimate and personal, Loki's hair standing on end from the cold. Tony's body trembles, his entire body shuddering like a ship being tossed around on the ocean.

"It is okay, Anthony," Loki murmurs, standing uneasily, uncertain of what to do about the panicking man. They weren't on close enough terms for him to intervene, yet standing and watching was not an option. Something in him pulls at him to do something, the same way his palms tingle when he knows there is danger coming. "Breathe."

A violent tremble passes through Tony's body and he presses both palms against his eyes, looking very much like a lost child. "I can't."

There is definitely something there. Loki can see it in the terror in Tony's eyes when Loki steps forward, and Loki wonders what it is that has reduced the genius to such a state, how he has gone from something so radiant and lustrous to a trembling, anguished soul.

"Inhale and exhale," Loki says, repeating the words that were once being aimed at him. "It will be okay. You are safe. No danger lurks and no threats are present. You are safe right now. Breathe."

In the back of his mind, Loki recalls himself in a similar state. It feels so long ago when he sat in the corner of the Grandmaster's guest rooms, his shoulders quivering like he could be carried off with a single gust of wind, mind pounding with memories of agony, of being ripped apart limb by limb and then put back together all wrong. He'd wanted to scream then, but his lips were shut and no matter how much he screamed in his mind no sounds left his mouth.

It was then that he truly knew what it meant to be dead but have a beating heart.

"You are safe," Loki repeats again, blinking the memories away from his mind as he focuses once more on Tony, who still faces away from him, leaning against the table because his legs couldn't support his weight, light as he is.

The minutes trickle by slowly, with Loki murmuring soft words every once in a while just to have something to fill the suffocating silence. Tony is silent all throughout it, eyes glossed over in the way that Loki knows means that Tony's mind roams dark spaces in the universe, reminiscing on painful times.

Tony shakes his head vehemently, carding both hands through his hair, blinking hard at the wall as his breathing slowly began to transition to a normal pace. Loki watches his back as Tony finally calms down, placing a hand on Tony's shoulder.

"It's okay. I… won't get a flip-phone," Loki says, glad that Tony lets out a wet laugh at his words. "StarkPhones sound more… reliable."

Tony looks at Loki with a grin pulling at his lips even though shame and exhaustion burn in his eyes like the flames of Muspellheim. Loki gathers that Tony cries an awful lot using his smiles. "Thanks, Lokes. I didn't mean to freak out on you like that. You didn't have to stay."

Loki shrugs. "It's okay. I know what it is like to be plagued by memories too bitter to be swallowed. It will fade, in time."

Tony gives him an odd look at that, reading into Loki as if Loki is a book and he is the one assigned to comprehend the contents of the pages.

A scientist’s scrutiny.

The words fall softly into Loki's mind while he stands under Tony's gaze. The words fit the weight of the gaze so perfectly that the mad bard Briga would likely weep from joy for Loki's inner lyricist if Loki ever told him.

That is what made Tony's gaze so different, because he doesn't settle for seeing the outside picture of a person, he prefers to look at what makes you, analyzing every individual part of you that nobody else had cared enough to notice before. There's a very particular feeling to being the center of someone’s universe, and the way he gazes at Loki makes him feel as if he is being torn apart- atom by atom- and then shoved back together before he could even finish his breath.

"Shall we eat?" Tony says instead, changing the subject entirely but Loki does not protest, instead giving him a nod and following him down to the dining room, which is much too large for four people but nobody comments on it. Thor and Bruce do not mention how the dining table was once filled with other Avengers, the table filled with conversation and Tony's eyes filled with life.

There are things one does not mention at a dinner, and emotional trauma is one of them.

So they talk about smaller things that are easier to share. Thor talks about discovering a new application that involved taking photographs, chattering on and on about how interesting it is to communicate using solely pictures and about how he has several thousand followers. Bruce comments every once in a while, shooting a fond look at Thor as he eats, picking his way through the dinner that he had insisted on making. Bruce talks with Tony about science, engaging Tony in a completely different way, and it is like seeing two children talk about their favorite game, their faces lighting up and their speech rate going considerably faster.

Loki joins in on the conversation from time to time, but he is content just to listen and watch. Tony smiles at them wistfully as the night continues, not eating his food so much as he plays with it. Bruce seems to notice but he doesn't comment, but Thor does not hesitate before he frowns at Tony.

"Anthony, you should eat," Thor says with a look of concern flashing over his face. "You look like you could use a good meal."

Tony rolls his eyes, taking a swig of juice. "'m not that hungry. Don't you worry your little godly head. I'm fine. I'm finer than fine! I'm in top condition."

"Anthony, please," Thor says again, and the resolve on Tony's face flickers as he glances down at the plate.

He picks up his spoon like a chided child, movements slow but deliberate because Loki knows that he can feel the weight of Bruce and Thor's gaze on him like two stern parents waiting for their child to buckle down and eat his vegetables. It gives Loki an odd mental image of Bruce being the mother and Thor the father. It's not one that he appreciates this late at night- he doesn't want nightmares, thank you very much.

Tony flashes Thor a smile. "Since you asked so nicely, I can't say no."

But Tony _can_ say no and they all know this. It's just one of the things that one doesn't mention at dinner: the right to say no.

Although Loki cannot help but feel that someone's taken Tony's right away to say no. Someone met Tony and tried to pound him into something malleable, uncaring for the way that Tony was breaking into something else entirely rather than becoming whatever it was they were trying to shape him to be. It was a saddening thing to witness. In ways, it felt like standing in a place that once contained nothing but war and bloodshed, but the blood was washed away and the war had ended.

Still, though, the soul had ways of feeling echoes of history. And Loki could feel Tony's history like ice on his fingertips.

He knows that the name Steve is meaningful because Tony screams it at night and there's a shattered picture frame in the lab. Bruce has mentioned him before as well, someone righteous and kind and just. Yet there's a wreck of a man he left behind, someone who has woeful brown eyes and a soft smile. If Loki reaches out his magic, he can feel someone with a soul as bright as the cosmos.

He wonders if this is what the Grandmaster had felt when Loki had first crashed on Sakaar, knees and hands bloody from his fall, heart full of sorrow and nightmares. He was a fragile, broken thing, and the Grandmaster had given him a smile as if to tell him _it's okay now, I've got you now, you're not alone now_. And he'd made sure to give them time, enough of it to make sure that Loki was a better version of himself before Thor came along. When Loki'd asked, En Dwi Gast assured him that Thor and the rest of the world wouldn't know the difference.

The Grandmaster had made him feel safe and secure in his own skin.

And as he watches Tony leave the room with a murmured excuse about a new device that must be made, Loki wishes he could spread that bit of knowledge to the young scientist.

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta-read. In this house we die like men.


End file.
